I’m not the best at really anything. I can’t organize the best, I can’t build the best relationships, I can’t write the best, I can’t talk the best, I can’t play the best. But something I’m good at is getting people riled up. I know this might seem inconsequential but hear me out…

First of all, this is a selfish act.

This is really something I do because it makes me feel better about the world and this little tirade is just an attempt at justification for me thinking that I’m the smartest guy around and “why the fuck don’t the rest of you assholes get it?”.

But beyond that; there really is more than me thinking that I’m the smartest or coolest or whatever. The real deal is that I really just give a shit. And honestly the great injustice to me is that more people don’t.

I think sometimes that I get mad for other people. I have to compensate in some cosmic, karmic way for all the dumbasses that are sitting around watching “American Idol” (is that still what the kids are into?) And put out enough energy to get noticed through that Iron Curtain of (yeah I’m gonna use the most cliche word in the punker dictionary) apathy.

So you understand that the very little progress that might get made by me can’t really compare with the fact that everyone else wants to sit on their ass and not fix things.

Yeah, yeah, trust me I know; you work two jobs, you got two kids and a wife, or maybe and ex, a mortgage and interest on college loans that’s a burden to your unborn children. But quite frankly I don’t give a shit; because: I don’t know what the threshold is… and neither do you.

Tell me: what would be enough? What life situation absolves you of responsibility? Tell me how many hours do you have to work in your shit ass job with people you fucking hate for what reason you don’t even know to justify not thinking about anything greater?

Why is it that everyone just can’t wait until they’re off the hook?

What I mean is that most people just can’t wait to start talking about American Idol or the football game or whatever other stupid inconsequential bullshit happens to be occurring at the time.

Now you might be thinking “Hey! Football is not inconsequential!” or “You just can’t play football so you’re talkin’ shit” but I’m not talking shit about football, or baseball or sports or American Idol anything really. (Ok, I really am talkin’ shit about American Idol).

I happen to like watching sports.

I’m simply making the point that most people will quickly devolve into a pathetic panicky frenzy whenever anything substantive or rather of social consequence is brought up.

The point isn’t what people can’t wait to talk about, it’s that they can’t wait to talk about something that doesn’t fucking matter.

People just can’t wait to agree on something. Jesus, is that what everyone is really longing for? A world without disagreement?

This is what really bothers me: I just hate social chickenshits.

Now I don’t hate you if you’re shy.

I don’t hate you if you have panic attacks and shit; that’s not what I’m talking about.

What I’m talking about are people that don’t seem to suffer from either of these ailments when we’re talking about sports or fucking chicks/dudes, or car insurance or getting drunk or anything else that couldn’t matter a bit. But the second something of importance that is generally disagreed upon, is brought up they run for the fucking conversational exits and start claiming that “they don’t talk about politics at their house,” or “we’re just tryin’ to have a good time” or blah blah fucking blah.

The point is; don’t casually talk endless amounts of racist, sexist, classist, narrow minded, ill-informed shit until somebody calls you on your bullshit and then cry foul. You know what I’m sayin’?

Tell me how much shit you have to put up with before you can finally not care. Because the truth is you don’t really care anyway…

There needs to be a certification process for eco-friendly families. Al Gore tells me the planet is dying, so he needs to follow that up with an objective standard of when I’m doing enough to save it.

The Barker clan is a family of five. I think we’re reasonably eco-friendly.

• We recycle everything
• All the bulbs in our house are CFLs
• Both our vehicles get 22+ m.p.g.
• We don’t over-consume — my wife lives by Oprah’s motto of “Wear it out, or do without.”

But how do we know if this is enough? How can I step back and say with confidence, “I am part of the solution, rather than part of the problem”? Frankly, I don’t know if what I’m doing is enough. I think we’re better than most of our peers, but would Al look at our household and approve? Would he say, “If only everyone did at least this…”

To this end, I want a certification process. I want a clear, objective standard with which I can compare my family and work toward if we don’t measure up.

I need all the tree-hugging groups to come together and work out a scale for a “Green Household”. Give me multiple levels. “Green Household, Level 1,” for example, might have the following requirements.

• All bulbs in your house are replaced with CFLs
• All vehicles in your house get more than 20 m.p.g. (which effectively rules out full-size SUVs)
• You have a programmable thermostat
• You have replaced your furnace filter in the last 12 months
• You have wrapped your water heaters in insulating material
• You recycle all disposable plastic
• Your water heaters are set a maximum of X degrees

Consider if 80% of households in America became a Green Household at Level 1. The improvement would be massive.

The levels could scale up from there. For example, Level 5 might include things like:

• You consume no meat (cows fart methane, it turns out)
• You refrain from using your car three days out of the week
• Your car gets 40+ m.p.g.
• You have planted at least five trees in the last 12 months

This wouldn’t be for everyone, but I know some people who would find the prospect of measuring their sacrifice against that standard downright seductive.

This would have to be voluntary. There can be no independent authority that comes to your house and checks everything out. But when I feel like I’ve acheived Level 1, I go to some Web site, register and pay a $5 fee to cover expenses, then I get a couple bumper stickers and another sticker for the window of my house.

This has two benefits:

1. It gives us something to work towards. I still think there’s a lot of confusion about exactly what we need to be doing to save the planet. Paper or plastic? I still don’t know, to be honest. Everyone has a different plan of action. Who’s right?
2. It gives someone an easy way to show that they care enough about the planet to work towards something. If I’m sportin’ my “Green Level 1″ bumper sticker, it says that I cared enough to find the standard, evaluate my behavior against that standard, and perhaps make a few changes to achieve that standard.Sadly, in a lot of social circles, worrying about the planet is considered a very “Democratic” or “Clintonian” thing to do. I’d like a nice, subtle way to show that my politics and caring about the planet are not mutually exclusive.

I could see this getting pushed in the school system a lot. If his teacher got my son all excited about earning this achievement, it would be a motivator for me to make the changes necessary to do it. Call it a merit badge for the entire house.

I’m not an eco-warrior. I’m a suburban dad who’s a little confused about what he should be doing and concerned enough about it to want to know that he’s doing enough.

Al Gore bums me out. He keeps telling me the planet is dying, and next time he does, I want to be able to relax and know that I’m doing enough to save it. To that end, give me a clear bar that I can jump over.

In the end, I just want absolution. Give me a way to achieve that.